The self-loathing we carry

We know it’s not right.
We know it goes against us.
We know we should say no.

But we don’t.

For sake of stupid relationships that don’t really exist.
For sake of a social standing that’s really nothing.
For sake of lies we tell ourselves about that we will make up for it.

And we ignore that feeling that settles in deep within us, adding another piece of explosive to the time bomb that’s ticking. The bomb that’s always ticking.

Welcome to Narrating The Dream and this is about something very few of us are able to say no. It breeds within, striking when we are down to keep us there, and always hang in the shadows of our normal moments. It’s name? Self-loathing.

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‘Let’s just get it over with’

“Something that matters more is coming up, let’s just get it over with!”

“This has gone on too long! Let’s just get it over with.”

“I don’t want to do this. Let’s just get it over with.”

It is a tendency most of us share when dealing with things we don’t really want to do. We take shortcuts, making the work short and cutting corners, and ultimately turn in a work that’s not the quality we would ever be proud about. The consequences always follow an action and this lazy piece of work often leads to situations where we wish we had just cared a little bit more or did things a bit better. Sometimes, we might just get away with things of poor quality but that’s not a fair expectation to hold for ourselves. Because here’s the thing: When being evaluated/reviewed, we are only as good as our worst piece of work.

Welcome to Narrating The Dream and this post is about facing the limitation that is most likely to stop us from being great.

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A Habit Forgotten

I’m back!

The two words above are far more true than I wish to acknowledge. In the end of this recent developments, I find myself back in a place where I was once very comfortable. But now, I feel like a square piece of a puzzle set that is being forced into a triangular hole. I have changed and now, when I want to pick up something I dropped some time ago, I find it difficult to even figure out where to begin from.

Does it matter why I dropped something I loved once? Does it matter that I feel lost, now that I have forgotten how I actually started it in the first place? Perhaps this is all just a boring post born from my fears of regression. After all, wouldn’t you interpret picking up an old habit once again as a reversed development?

This place I am in (physically, not mentally or in some other sense) is a place of several achievements. I started the now-forgotten habit in the truest sense in this place. I traveled on other’s journeys – hundreds of journeys, in fact – in this place. I even enjoyed leading myself on some unexpected paths as I wandered around in possibilities.

And it is here that I am now finding myself lost on how to locate the doorway to those journeys. For though I have forgotten the entrance, I cannot forget the journeys I planned to go and still haven’t completed.

It is now turning into a rant, I fear, within my head and so I must bid farewell now. I’m not going away. But I’m thinking that a journey back into myself is a journey long overdue.

[TV Show/Opinion] Castle Cancellation

Castle, a show I loved for the first seven years and didn’t return to for the 8th season after the terrible premiere reviews, ended its run this Monday. And considering all the mess it went through offstage and the last scene transition, I’m conflicted… Like countless others, undoubtedly.

The reason I got attached to Castle was the single observation Castle made in the first episode (“There’s always a story”) and I was curious about Beckett’s before the pilot ended. The humor and the romance (or the frustration of the “will they-won’t they”) also kept me engaged as a loyal fan.

So when Stana Katic’s departure was announced (along with another beloved Ms Jones), I honestly believed that ending the story would be the right thing to do. After all, the meaningless logic of LokSat and the split went off like a crazy speculation of Castle. (Captain Gates sudden departure didn’t help the premiere as well.) All the reasons to stick around were disappearing.

The result of the huge backlash was obvious. ABC cancelled it.

And then that series finale aired. Considering that final scene, I refuse to accept that the show runners really crafted the season with the possibility that the season finale might also have to become a series finale (which was also the scenario of season 7 and that reminds me of the reason that situation rose. Ugh, the tragedy of Castle disappearance arc: it just didn’t get necessary thought and attentive writing and simply attempted last-minute coverups). That last scene transition was so badly crafted that I really thought that it was something like an afterlife. What I am trying to say is that I didn’t like it.

It felt too convenient. Too much like a coward’s way out (though the show runners aren’t so because they did stick with whatever they came up with despite fans’ protests).

Though I am glad that Castle didn’t get ahead with a key player missing, I would really like to believe that there’s something really special that we lost out on… Because this end, this confusing mess, is not an ending. Sadly, it’s just a last-minute attempt to prepare a just-in-case scenario.

What’s happening behind the scenes?

It has been a quiet month or so on here and so I wanted to let you know what’s brewing.

Sadly, it’s not even coffee.

It’s exam time for me for this past month and still will be so for this month as well. I am extremely busy and this is why I have been away.

But I have also started going to a gym (day 10 today) and instead of losing weight, I gained weight. So, there’s that.

There will be a very incoherent post coming soon this way, I suspect, as the end of all this hits. But let’s get to that when I get there.

Nothing significant today

There won’t be a meaningful post today because my pre-planned post on the three lettered question ‘Why’ fell apart due to lack of ideas


Because I got a second chance for something that was lost. But still, I must give something. I hope you enjoy the following.

“Are you ready for this?” He asked from behind his table and though I wanted to punch that smugness he was barely hiding, I knew I mustn’t. I was the one who had more to lose here. “There won’t be a third chance. Not for your colleagues, not for your juniors, no one.”
I could barely keep the anger from leaking into my voice. “Of course sir, I understand.” I failed though because his eyes narrowed. Or maybe it was my facial expressions that gave me away.

“Go on then. This lifting of the ban from contacting people is all the favor I will give you.” My anger surged to new levels and I turned before he saw it. I and my entire group of 124 colleagues had to get 85 new clients for ourselves in the final 60 days, which were already not in the most optimum time period.

I didn’t thank him, like I normally did with everyone else. I walked away as fast as I could and then began to run when I could. I ran out of the building and though I wanted to, I didn’t let out the scream I was holding within. I would never let it out now, I knew that, but repressing the negative was a small price.

“I have a second chance now. I won’t fail. Even if I don’t succeed, I won’t give up trying.” I promised myself. And then I pulled out my phone and began to inform others of this turn of events.

“We got a second chance


I know. For most of you it may not feel relatable. But sometimes, the unspoken matters.