“Finally done.” I lean back on my seat and belatedly remember to keep my posture correct. When will I learn? I lower the screen of the laptop I have been working for way too long and the release brings all the aching in my body to the forefront of my mind. “God, that was exhausting.” I yawn midway through the sentence and finally take off my glasses.
Rubbing my eyes, I let my mind wander free to whatever it may desire. I do not try to restrict its spread as I wait to see what I’m bombarded with. To my surprise, though since the source is my own mind so maybe I did anticipate it, it has only one question for me. Are you happy with the end product? You think it could’ve been better. So why not make it so?
“Yeah,” I let out the word with an embarrassed smile as I rub my neck to relieve the sore muscles. “I am not that active. The deadline is tomorrow and I had to just get this done. Doesn’t matter if this isn’t up to my standards, the next one will be.”
My mind, being mine of course, immediately catches the lie. Every time we have this conversation and every time you reply this. Why not start the change as well rather than putting it off for another time? We both know there’s only present and no ‘another time’.
There will always be an emergency. There will always be something or someone pressing down on you. So why not start practicing to start work early? Why not let yourself be the best you know you can be? Or are you better off as being just a mediocre faceless person? Are you content being forgotten?
The words strike a nerve within me and I almost shout. “I am not mediocre. I am not going to be forgettable. I promised this to myself. I promised to never be just an average person when I was young and I fully intend to keep it. But I am lazy, I will grant you that. And finding that motivation to do better is hard when the world around is always comfortable in being mediocre.”
We both see the hypocrisy in those words. It has already been years since you broke the promise so don’t hold out hope of fulfilling it. But habits are made to occasionally stumble on. So why not start now? Why not start with this very project? If you are going to be the best, be so and let no one and nothing get in your way. Eliminate your distractions.
“It isn’t that easy to do. A mere seconds is all I need to type these things but for some, it may take a lifetime to achieve these goals.” I try to reason but am soon cut off by my logical mind.
“You are being coward and taking the easy way out and you’re too coward to even admit it to yourself.” The words of House M.D. echo in my head and I get its point. But at the same time, I can’t help but deliver my own blow at the same time.
“To love someone is to open yourself to pain.” I speak out loud, quoting the show. “But loving myself is exposing the weaknesses to the world. Because in love, we turn mindless. We lose our objectivity.”
That’s nonsense and you’re just saying those things to say anything that comes to you. My mind counters. The real reason you’re holding yourself back is because you’re scared. Scared of breaking the illusion of being perfect and waiting for the right time to show your expertise to the world.
So what if you’re not perfect? No one’s perfect or normal. Every single being who has lived has lived through his or her own experiences and they all come out different. Everyone lies and the biggest lie is that we can be normal when there is no such thing as a normal. Be quirky. Be strange. Be odd. Be awkward. But never be someone else, because that person is already taken. You can only be you. And since I have these arguments, there is no way you can say that you’ve never thought of them before. Because we are one.
“Is it really so easy? Am I really being that paranoid?” I finally let the fear within me emerge, speaking out loud in a place where no one will hear me confess. “But how do I do it? I can’t turn a social recluse or I will be forever stuck there. And you know as well as me, since you’re me, that I am not good with schedules either. And let’s not get into a just-do-it-anytime-during-the-day type of goals because I clearly chose to rather forgo them than bother remembering them. And of course, there’s the third problem. My weird memory.”
You aren’t listening, are you? You were just reminded that it is okay to stumble and you should always be ready to rise again. Let yourself take a risk. Who knows? Perhaps you will love riding at the edge. Though knowing you as much as you do, I have a feeling that you will indeed enjoy it.
“But what about…” I try to counter but I am hearing the counter before I state the case fully.
That’s garbage. If you don’t live for yourself now, when will you? Be free. Be wild. Be curious. Be you. Now’s the best time to find out exactly who you are. Don’t let a boring desk job put you down. The spirit of yours is a wild one and it desires the wild. Why do you insist on chaining it down? Take a chance. Your life has barely begun yet. So why the fear? It is not our successes that teach us, it is our failures that do.
This is having no effect on you, is it? Alright then, one more approach. Close your eyes. Ignore all sounds. And think. Think of your life a few years down the road. You have a 8 to 5 office job and are living in a shared apartment. Now tell me, is any of it what you truly want?
Don’t bother answering, I already know. You have the wanderlust, though you never leave even your house without the feeling of safety drowning you. Wield it like the weapon it is. You have made so much progress in thinking about yourself, about what you want in life. Then why do you hesitate? The people you so worry about judging you won’t care. And if they do, they never really knew the true you, anyway. Though they are not the only ones at fault for that. You have been closed off to them for so long now.
Just do yourself a favor. Before you make any life-changing decisions, take a solo trip and test the spirit in you. Take a few days and when you return, think carefully of what you loved and what you want to do. If mediocrity of a desk job is what you want then that’s what we will work together to make special. But would you at least give life a chance?
“I will.” I let out a sigh with the words but I can’t deny that some part of me is happy at the thought as well. Changing into my sleepwear, I lie back in the quiet dark for a long time. And then, I let out a final wish that every bit of me wants to fulfil.
“When tomorrow comes, I want to find what makes me feel alive. And I want to make it mine.”